i met a man in town today.

he was old & rugged & had the streets he lived on

all over him.

i sat with him for a while & we smiled & shared some cigarettes.

conversation light about life & memories & war & brokenness.

love & losses & wins & trades.

out of town & in town, good food & dark alleys to watch out for. 

i took his picture & gave him a few bucks for holding so still.

as i turned to leave, he handed me a needle & thread & told me i was

gonna need it.

i was confused & he picked up on that from my face.

he slowly stood up & gently took my head in his hands

& proceeded to thread in a zigzag line from my top lip to my bottom & so on.

he cut the ends, tied it off & nodded with a smile.

i smiled back & realized the favor he had done me.

i gave him two more bucks & the rest of my smokes.

 

i saw the things you hid behind your eyes & teeth.

much like you saw mine.

we are one in the same 

& we can't deny to each other what we scream out loud.

you saw me & i saw you & it was beautiful.

have a hope, dear friend.

have a strength greater than you or i.

have a peace that soaks into your skin 

& embraces your fragile bones.

hold onto what you know & know it without doubt or fear.

you are beautiful & special & amazing in your own shoes.

eyes & ears will see & hear that.

hold on if you need to hold on.

let go if you need to let go.

you have the answer to that & no one else.

find it.

it's speaking to you.

& tell that couch to go to hell.

character assassination.

i've packed a bag & dropped my head.

put on a new shark skin suit & one foot in front of the other.

thy kingdom come, thy will be done

& folly will be your druther.

the spinning wheel of holocaust arms & words & spit

will get mindlessly out of control here.

i'm an action hero, doing my own stunts 

& secretly hoping i'll get injured so i can collect the compensation.

i've whittled my bloody, boned out fingers to the point of 

shameless & my heart needs a bath from all the smog it collects in the open air.

who cares?

i wouldn't be a man if i didn't dare a little.

i'd wash up in a rusty old basin somebody used to clean carcasses in.

i'm not dead meat.

hail a cab or take a train,

just make sure it's the roughest ride to get me there.

the long way around so i have plenty of time to shuffle & re-count.

i'm made of grit & steel & old baby doll heads.

the kinds of things that make a place cold or strong 

but hauntingly familiar & nostalgic.

i have no enemies, 

just cowards that are too scared to really feel the way the want about me.

got to go.

the lease is up, electric's been shut off for days 

& i haven't had a hot shower in months.

if you find me or cross a path i've been down, flash a grin

because i'll already be wearing one.

sometimes teeth & muscle are your only friend against it all.

just lay back our heads & stare at whatever came next.

the night would swallow us whole

& we'd run in & out of dreams, never making time to sleep.

playing with the dead & breaking bread for hours & hours & hours.

it was so simply decadent & yet we made a way to break it all apart.

something can't be together though if there aren't any pieces to build it with.

i collected all i could from the grass where we stood

but a few got away.

i stuffed them in my pocket hoping for a chance to search again,

the cradles & airwaves that passed us along the way.

everything is necessary, i used to disagree, 

but it's all a matter of perspective i suppose.

mine has changed drastically.

"& how long would it take me to walk across the united states all alone?

the west coast has been traumatized & i think i'm the only one still alive.

don't you know things aren't getting any better?"

"Catching the fruits of our labor
And holding our hearts in our hands
Waiting for you to sound a prayer in the form of an anchor
replied by holding you up in red skies bound by love."

  

this is all so foreign to me

the cars in the street

the sound of my feet on the radio

i can't even feel your skin

the blood rushing in

have i lost the will to win

am i fighting for yesterday

these are the trees

and the sticks and the bees

that float on and on and on inside my memory

take a train to the left

this all so direct

i hate everything said to the beat of the waterways

it's good to know that i'm so comfortable

that i'm all that is needed 

when i'm all that you need

like a reflection on glass

that's what you would say to me

this is what it feels like

welcome to the b-sides

now get away from me before we both die

i am the string around your finger

the thing you don't want to remember

but you tied the knot too tight

the turning point-4.twenty something.09

i was driving alone in the country.

middle of the night, no one around for days.

a deer jumped out in front of me & i swerved

off the road to avoid hitting it.

in the process of correcting, i over corrected 

and as my back tires hit the large difference in the edge of the road

& the side ground, it flipped & rolled to a stop on it's hood.

i emerged with a bleeding eyebrow & some cuts on my left arm.

slightly dazed, i immediately reached for my cell phone but found i had no service.

i looked to my left & my right & saw nothing in the form of darkness for miles.

i sat in the grass to shake off what had just happened 

& to figure out what i was going to do about it.

it dawned on me that i was on my own for this one.

have you ever tried to overturn a crashed car by yourself?

it's impossible. 

it's nearly impossible with 6 of yourselves.

i'm still sitting in the grass.

the night has never lifted & i haven't seen a single sign of life.

i try a few times every hour to push my car over, 

in hopes that if i do, it would actually drive me out of here.

really, it's just me heaving for ten minutes & then collapsing

against it's mangled frame.

i have a choice...

keep pushing towards an impossible happening

or walk away...

into the darkness.

into a place i've never been before.

into a place where all i can do is hope i'll find someone who can help me.

how to capture a woodland creature.

tie my shoes up tight.

it may look like i'm running fast

but actually i'm standing ever so still.

not going anywhere.

i found the password.

it's a word i can't even speak.

it's not a word at all.

it's a shiny object buried in a

tree stump in the woods.

when you find it, you can't let go

because you want it so bad

and your hand is stuck in the wood

and there you are,

frozen in a tree, holding a shiny object you can't really claim.

i am a raccoon. 

as long as we hold on to bitterness,

we'll always find something to be angry about.

joy brings me laughter & peace

even amongst the thunder & lighting.

i am forever grateful for your smile

& the way you light up the night

when darkness feels way too close.

you swim inside my rib cage

& make still, the quaking & shaking of my life.

you renew my steps & 

carve out new lines;

you go before me & behind me

& lead my mind.

i bend to your feet.

i bury my heart in the ground.

you raise it up & give me reason & sound.

i've seen you before & i know you.

i'll take what i can get,

just promise me it won't stay like this forever.

maybe i am silly.

i probably am.

i know i am.

but that means something to me.

means i can't help but be that way

because i know something greater & dearer.

you are lovely.

you.

in the ones i know & don't know.

in the ones i like & don't like.

in all the ones i love.

forgive me for this voice.

it may not be in tune or even sound like a melody

you want to listen to but it's my voice

& it's all that i've got.

until the ground shrinks around me & the skies

pull themselves up, up & away,

i'll stand on this mountain top

& sing & scream & talk & whisper.

forgive me if need be.

forget me if need be.

it doesn't really matter what either of us do

as long as we truly believe in the things that do matter.

& i do. 

from a friend.

Do not fear the ghosts in this house; they are the least of your worries.
Personally I find the noises they make reassuring,
The creaks and footsteps in the night,
their little tricks of hiding things, or moving them, I find 
endearing, not upsettling. It makes the place feel so much more like home.
Inhabited.
Apart from ghosts nothing lives here for long. No cats,
no mice, no flies, no dreams, no bats. Two days ago
I saw a butterfly,
a monarch I believe, which danced from room to room
and perched on walls and waited near to me.
There are no flowers in this empty place,
and, scared the butterfly would starve,
I forced a window wide,
cupped my two hands around her fluttering self,
feeling her wings kiss my palms so gentle,
and put her out, and watched her fly away.

I've little patience with the seasons here, but
your arrival eased this winter's chill.
Please, wander round. Explore it all you wish.
I've broken with tradition on some points. If there is
one locked room here, you'll never know. You'll not find
in the cellar's fireplace old bones or hair. You'll find no blood.
Regard:
just tools, a washing machine, a dryer, a water heater, and a chain of keys.
Nothing that can alarm you. Nothing dark.

I may be grim, perhaps, but only just grim
as any man who suffered such affairs. Misfortune,
carelessness or pain, what matters is the loss. You'll see
the heartbreak linger in my eyes, and dream
of making me forget what came before you walked
into the hallway of this house. Bringing a little summer
in your glance, and with your smile.

While you are here, of course, you will hear
the ghosts, always a room away,
and you may wake beside me in the night,
knowing that there's a space without a door
know that there's a place that's locked
but isn't there. Hearing
them scuffle, echo, thump and pound.

If you are wise you'll run into the night,
fluttering away into the cold
wearing perhaps the laciest of shifts.
The lane's hard flints
will cut your feet all bloody as your run,
so, if I wished, I could just follow you,
tasting the blood and oceans of your tears. 
I'll wait instead,
here in my private place, and soon I'll put a candle
in the window, love, to light your way back home.
The world flutters like insects. I think this
is how I shall remember you,
my head between the white swell of your breasts,
listening to the chambers of your heart.

-n. gaiman

i kick the dirt off my shoes

stupid, because they're just gonna collect more.

i hang up my coat & sit for a brief moment on the couch.

there's a fish swimming in my head

& i swear i've flushed him down the toilet several times before.

maybe he just likes the water up there.

i reach to turn on the tele only to notice your reflection sitting somewhere

just behind me.

i turn in a startled realization that you are actually here.

my first question to you is not how did you get into my kitchen,

but more like where have you been?

makes me laugh inside & the fish does a fancy little tail swoosh.

you stare at me in silence with a half cracked grin

& the look that's always in your eyes.

the "i wanna say something but don't have the ability to do so" look.

i, of course, already know this so i simply pour a drink for me

& hand it to you.

i put a record on, light a cigarette & turn again to face the reflection of you in the tv set.

perhaps, then we could be real with each other.

if i spent the afternoon recollecting & unpacking with a reflection,

maybe we could hold a conversation, or heaven forbid, find some common ground 

& have a laugh or two.

this reminds me, the fish is probably hungry, so i feed him.

i sit back down, clear my throat & then it dawns on me...

"hell, i don't even own a television."

inhale....exhale

i'm broken, hurt, torn & i won't apologize or accept one for it.

my heart reels in the joy of knowing the truth is in me &

will be affirmed day after day after day.

i will give & give & give because i was given to.

i will never again doubt for one second where i stand on this

or let anyone convince me otherwise.

this is between You & me.

& we know.

i will stand inside this fire.

i will jump down into the den

& surround myself with the flames

& stitch every puncture wound

because i'd die before it was you & not me.

you never asked me to come here 

& i can't help that i am,

but i'm damn glad i am.

i wouldn't be anywhere else.

i couldn't be anywhere else.

doubting thomas had to touch the wounds & see the side.

i'm bleeding from head to toe.

we will let one another down.

we will disappoint on a daily basis.

but knowing that through the teeth & the flames,

all i can do is see the glaring glory of your soul

& the beauty that indwells it

& have no other desire in my heart than to raise you higher & higher,

makes scars & skin grafts a trophy i couldn't wait to win.

i'll be a ghost & i'll float in & out of  your lines

re-healing every time

please forgive me everyday

for the things i could never say & now can say them too late

you'll never see the tears i cry

never see the fear i hide

belief is on my side & that's all i have

it's hard to not see your face on the street

amongst the people that i daily meet

if i can't find you, i'm at least looking

i couldn't imagine you dying or suddenly disappearing

this song will be the death of me

an endless, killing melody

a rain of vision & memory

take the cemetery walk away from me

or say you'll go with me

you'll never see this side of me

you'll never see this side of me

settle soul, at the bottom of the ocean

the whale & the giant squid can't harm you here

the darkness will hide your eyes from darkness

& the silence will drowned out your mind

feel the cold water surround you

the salt slowly soaking into your skin

a gentle swirl from a passerby

the fear can't touch this world you're in

hold my hand if only just for a moment

but know when you let go, it's still there

step away from the violence of a current

free yourself from the surface's strong air

bind a rock to the things you've carried with you

lay them down & don't turn around to see

settle soul, at the bottom of the ocean

find your peace below the briny deep

i buried invisible lines

that run a current right through you.

they're down deep so don't bother looking.

you won't feel a thing.

just walk through your life like nothing's changed.

& i'll walk through mine like everything has.

maybe one day when your standing in the rain

you'll feel what i've been saying.

the current can go on forever

so time is not of the essence.

it won't be obvious at first.

a slight raising of the hair on your arms or head,

but if you want it to, it will bring you to your knees.

wrap around your mind and re-set your heart beat.

it brings bodies back from the dead

& saves the souls of things we cast out in the river.

i would never hurt you so don't be afraid.

it only bites when you want it to.

be thou my provider

a face amongst the mist

be my arm & my desire

the flight i cannot miss

run ahead of me in color

be the fold & every crease

hold my eyes from any other

& these days will never cease

i can't sit still in my bed tonight.

there is a snake running through my veins that

is purple & smells like cotton candy.

i am overwhelmed right now with something

& i can't put my finger on it...

but trust me, i'm not complaining.

there's lightning in the sky & rain on my boots

& the water's running down the street.

i gave a man all my change & he changed all the man i gave.

i wish they'd invent the machine that dictates your thoughts

for you, as you think them.

it would make writing this book so much easier.

& cleaner.

my world is a comic book. you should come see it sometime.

more like a graphic novel...but that's a comic book to most.

i put on my fisherman coat & went out for a smoke.

the lights were beautiful & sang songs that smelled like your hair

& shined like your eyes.

i am the fountain of youth.

stop looking for it.

or did they already find it?...not too hep to the discoveries of the 

last century or two.

i painted with red tonight. just red.

i call it red.

& some fancy chemical or glorified water that expanded my open sky.

the birds sing & i grasp to claim the broken hallelujahs, 

exhaling with the smoke rings.

i got one or two.

put 'em in a frame, over my bed.

they're worth seeing once.

but then you just know & never need to be reminded of their features again.

there's cats in my closet & i'm allergic.

i'll be sneezing for days.

why would she leave her cats here?

she really does hate me.

i guess ignoring the flat tires & cut window screens as proof

is unavoidable now.

mockery is a crock.

those two words in the same sentence are like my wife & i.

poetic, just right, undeniable, not making a lot of sense.

me: what's a filter for anyway?

the man who's name i believe was called curtis: keeps the bad stuff out.

me: how do you know it's bad if you always filter it first?

curtis: you're over thinkin' this, bud.

me: hell, you're right. put two on there just to be safe.