the kings & queens of self destruction.

this, then, is the moment we all fear.
perhaps just i.
i gave everything,
gained everything,
then it was lost.
i am lost.

anger & resentment beg at me.
you quit.
we weren't supposed to do that,
so i get angry & resent that this has become the healing brand.
this is all wrong.
i am all wrong.

backwards.
upside down.
sideways.

aloof,
awol,
amiss,
aloft,
absolutely
aching
at
all
angles
ascertained.

it's scary to know that i will never fully recognize myself again.
at least that self.
the one i loved.
it is stolen & absolved & ripped from my chest,

daily,

& with a pain i could never have imagined.
i see it still,
but it fades.
blurs,
darkens,
descends,

daily.

coming to terms with these feelings is something they do not teach.
cannot teach.
should not teach.
for it is much safer,
much more sober a belief,
to collapse at the pressure of commonality.
relief.
release.
rebound.

i cannot betray me.
commonality is base & weak & just a little too desirable.
if the laws of me allowed,
perhaps i would,
perhaps i should.
if only if only if only
i could.
i am a monster,
no better or above,
just a man with a curse & a heart that knows no end.

you are bound to will yourself to this though.
you will believe you've won,
& ignore & lie & cheat & rob & pretend.
but only you.
only you.

we both have lost.
we both are lost.
we both just want it all to get lost.

sadly, the laws of our reality do not allow us to bear witness to those crimes which we commit against ourselves.
we are the perfect pardoners of all we will never admit to.


pretentious pricks. 

it stays ugly.

it's hard to put one foot in front of the other
everyday
when you wake up & can't even find your legs